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Thoughts on suicide

When you ask yourself, why should I keep living? Why not just die?

Remember, death will catch you eventually. It is a guaranteed outcome. So why rush it?

Maybe death is emptiness, or becoming a part of the biological cycle of life. …


I have a friend who has been very private about his dating life. Very private. I have known him for over ten years, but whenever me or someone else from our friendship group has asked about his dating life he has either gone quiet or thrown a joke. A couple…


I wish I can stay in London. I hope my closest friends will stay around too. I hope my contract is extended at my current job. I want to see great music gigs. And I want to fall in love. To love someone who has the ability to love me back. That’s pretty much it.


The depression lifted slowly. Like heavy curtains slowly being opened, letting the sun in. Letting the sun slowly warming my skin again.

The heavy curtains were there for months. They were dark and dusty. They removed the colours from my life. Those months are documented in texts from last winter…


Me and my flatmate sit at the dinner table eating the delicious food she has cooked for me. She says something and I burst out into a random song with lyrics matching what she just said, just as a joke. “Oh I love you!” she says while laughing. I pause…


I don’t fully understand. Why do my exes need to block me? I have never desperately called someone time after time in a disturbing way. I have not contacted them frequently, but when I do my words must just be a painful reminder of happier days. …


The thoughts just creep in, closer and closer

until they feel true.

I was once deeply loved, but I cheated on him. I deserve to be lonely.

I had a job could have made me happy and proud. I fucked it up. I deserve to have a horrible career.

The self-hatred has taken over with complete control.


Sometimes I’d like to think that I’m cute.

But I’m really not that cute. I’m just about average.

In any case, it doesn’t help to be cute when you have a rotten personality. Like I do.


I regret that I changed plans last minute.

It’s not the first time I am paralysed by choice, and then knocked over by regret.

I regret that I gave up on a unique chance to work with my friends.

I regret that I let a big name blind me.

I regret that I picked narrow over broad skills.

I regret that I was a douchebag who pulled out of a promise at the last minute.

I am burning with raging regret.


I have no doubt about my gender, I’m clearly a woman. I’m born in a woman’s body and raised as one, and I don’t wish to try to become a man. I’m not a man but there are so many reasons I’m jealous of men.

  1. On average, they sleep better

Finurel

This is a diary for the dark moments in life. Updated when things get especially bad.

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