I have a friend who has been very private about his dating life. Very private. I have known him for over ten years, but whenever me or someone else from our friendship group has asked about his dating life he has either gone quiet or thrown a joke. A couple of years ago, me and my friend speculated that he must either be gay or asexual. But he did not want to talk, so we did not bother him. Sometimes, in a big group, we would just joke about how he never says anything.
I used to be, and still am sometimes, scared to ask people private questions. I am scared that it will become uncomfortable. That they would think I am pushy. Instead, I share my own private experiences and hope that perhaps they will open up too. But that strategy did not work. Instead, I ended up feeling vulnerable. Like I open up too much. And when my friends did not, I started doubting whether they even wanted to be my friends. Typical insecurity stuff.
“Be curious about other people, ask them questions”. That was my therapists advice to me for dealing with my social anxiety. I started seeing a therapist last winter when I was an absolute mess. It was many months since she told me — to be curious about others, but I am still working on implementing it. I remind myself that if I am curious in a kind way, my questions won’t come off as pushy.
Yesterday I went for a walk with my friend and reminded myself to be curious in a kind way. We first spent an hour chatting about this and that. Then, I dared to ask him “are you dating anyone?”. When he said yes, I asked what her name is. He went silent for a bit. Then he said “well, first of all, it is a he”. I am only the second person in our friendship group to find out. It is still a secret, but I am honoured he told me.
I am sad that is has been this difficult for my friend to tell others about his boyfriend. But this was also a little success for me. A little victory against the social anxiety. I was able to get closer to my friend. I was able to be curious in a kind way.
