Sub-consciously fixing my parents relationship by repeating history
It’s 1 am on a random Friday morning, but it’s Christmas holidays so I figured it’s a good time to do a bit of DIY psychoanalysis. So, let’s dive straight into the deep shit of childhood memories.
I must have been 7 or 8. After two hours in the car, my parents, my little sister and my parents friends and their daughter had just arrived at the harbour. That’s where we keep our little motor boat that we use to get out to our summer cottage. It’s just a small harbour for small boats. It has a sanded parking lot, a big lawn and a little red shed that’s used for fixing boats. Outside the shed is this weird totem pole that looks like a bird, I have no idea why it’s there but I guess for decoration.
We get out of the car and start packing our things from the car to the boat. I don’t know why, but my parents are arguing. Loudly. They yell at each other and my mum is crying, like she does when she gets upset. Then, my dad has had it. He gets in the car and announces that he’s leaving. My mum is still outside the car, but the driver window of the car is open, and my mum is trying to hang into the car stopping my dad from leaving. The car is slowly creeping forward while my mum is trying to stop it. I remember the looks on the faces of their friends who were with us, like “oh shit”. I don’t remember how this ended, probably my dad drove away but returned again within 10 minutes and grumpily carried on with the day. Or then he did not drive away at all, because their friend intervened. I can’t remember.
The memory above is unfortunately not the only one of my parents fighting and my dad leaving in the car. Me and my younger sister were standing on the veranda of our house looking out the window. Maybe my brother was there too, but he can’t have been more than 2 years old. My dad had just stormed out of the house, my mum was following him. They yell at each other, or more like it my mum is yelling at my dad who has stopped responding. The car was parked on the street, right in front of the veranda of the house. My mum makes an attempt at stopping my dad from leaving, but this time he just drives off. I remember her standing there, looking so sad as the car disappeared on the other end of the street.
My parents got divorced when I was 10. My mum cried a lot in our old house, the house with the veranda. My dad, who wasn’t around us kids as much, played “Don’t worry, be happy” by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. “Don’t worry, be happy” was much nicer than the crying, but I was still very angry at my dad. I blamed him for mum’s crying. If he wasn’t so mean, she wouldn’t have to be so sad.
The worst thing about my parents divorce wasn’t actually the divorce. It was their dynamic, which persisted even after they divorced. My mum would reach out, my dad would dismiss. My mum, first being friendly, but after being hurt resulting in nagging and ultimately crying as my dad kept being avoidant or dismissive.
My dad has been so cold, but for some reason I resent my mum for not controlling her emotions. All my childhood, I empathised more with my mum. I hated my dad for just taking off, refusing to talk to her even to absurd levels. After the divorce, my mum wanted all of us to celebrate Christmas together for the sake of us children, even after my dad getting a new girlfriend, but my dad would not have it. How could I not take my mums side? But somehow, deep inside, I resent my mum for allowing herself to get so hurt, for not taking responsibility over her own feelings. For just not accepting that sometimes someone does not want to talk to you.
She really would not let go, not during their relationships and for many years after. She just needed to have things her way, get the apology or the talking through issues exactly the way she felt she needed them. The worst is, I’m way too similar to her in relationships. I nag, I get insecure, I can’t control my emotions. Yet, I keep falling for guys who exactly like my dad, are very likely to get in a car and drive away when they get hurt. Unwillingly, I end up repeating my parents relationship.
I have this absurd determination that I will be better than my mum, I will not nag as much. And that way, I will get the avoidant and dismissive guy to be less avoidant, less dismissive. As a child, I could not stop my dad from driving away. Maybe that’s why, as an adult, I keep falling for someone who seems so likely to drive away, because I’m hoping to stop them from doing that. But I can’t stop them, so like my mum, I end up standing there looking so sad. I understand so well how my mum felt. It’s hopeless, all you want is for your partner to say it’s all okay, but they take off and you’re left alone with all your demons.
So here I am, hating myself for repeating history, hating my parents for fucking me up like this. But I haven’t given up, I will be better. I won’t nag as much as my mum. I’ll be better at letting go. I’ll just have to accept that if I choose to be with a certain kind of person, occasionally they’ll drive off. I just have to be strong enough to face my own demons while they do that.
