The depression lifted slowly. Like heavy curtains slowly being opened, letting the sun in. Letting the sun slowly warming my skin again.
The heavy curtains were there for months. They were dark and dusty. They removed the colours from my life. Those months are documented in texts from last winter. It is sad to read now, but also uplifting. It is a reminder of how I found my way out of that pitch black darkness.
I know it now. I don’t have a rotten personality. I did not pick the wrong job. A clear reason for why some former lovers blocked me is my tendency to fall for quite intense people — the kind of people who would resort to dramatic conclusions and actions. Perhaps my own intensity has something to do with it, but maybe the intensity is simultaneously what they loved about me, and what caused them to block me. I am strong willed, and in the end I got the responses and explanation I needed. I won’t accept being blocked, but I can respectfully leave someone space. I got my goodbyes, and I can move on.
I can perceive colours again. The beauty of puzzling situations and conflicting emotions. Where I saw hate, I can now perceive a complicated kind of love. Where I saw failure, I can now see a beautiful strive for authenticity. I created a delightful life for myself.
When I was lost in the blackness, I lost someone I loved very much. But he was lost in his own shadows. I recently cautiously opened a small window for him, an invitation to shine some light into my life. But he is still partly lost in his own darkness, still scared of my darkness. I am not so scared. I can leave that window slightly open for a while. Just a bit open, so that his sun rays can enter if his shadows fade one day. But his shadows can’t bring me down anymore. I am dancing in the sunshine. Literally. The living room is flooded with the November sun, and I am dancing to “Sunflower” by Owhl. I am a brilliant dance companion after all, I guess I forgot about that last winter as well.
